it might only make them feel more depressed.
denise marigold, a social psychologist at the university of waterloo, knows how hard it can be to cheer some people up. her usual strategy for lifting friends out of the dumps is smiling encouragement—the glass is half full, things could be worse—which works well on those who share her sunny disposition. but she has struggled with boosting the confidence of the eeyores in her life—the friends who look at every misfortune as a sad reflection of their own inadequacy.
“with low self-esteem friends in the past, i’ve always assumed that the best way to approach them was to cheer them up and tell them things would get better quickly,” she says. “when they’ve brushed me off, i’ve worried i wasn’t doing a good job, and gotten frustrated that i couldn’t help.”
research has shown that positive thinkers lead happier lives, so it’s understandable that our instinct in the face of someone else’s despondence is to tell them to keep their chin up. but a new study by marigold and other psychologists demonstrates just how wrong this instinct can be. while optimism may lift the spirits of the optimistically minded, those with a gloomy outlook don’t want sunshine, the researchers found. they just want understanding.
over six experiments, the study tested the effects of “positively reframing” and “negatively validating” the problems of young adults with high and low self-esteem. positive re-framing, the study explains, consists of “reassurances that the negative event is ultimately beneficial to the recipient’s growth, that improvement is very likely, and that the problem is minor and ultimately insignificant.” negative validation, on the other hand, “communicate[s] that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation” and “express[es] appreciation for the recipient’s predicament or for the difficulty of the situation.” the experiments measured participants’ reactions to these two approaches in a variety of situations. in one, subjects imagined talking to a friend after a hypothetical break-up or bad grade and answered questions about the experience. in another, they actually shared feelings with a real friend.
people with low self-esteem found cheerful encouragement far less helpful than simple affirmations of their feelings. they also reported feeling generally less supported by friends, which the data proved correct: while participants in supporting roles claimed to understand pessimists wouldn’t respond well to positivity, they approached them with positivity anyway. in one experiment, the supporters even showed more sympathy to people with high self-esteem.
“people tend to be uncomfortable dealing with negative emotion, so we believe it’s best that everyone thinks positively, and we try to make them think that way,” marigold says.
case in point: one of her friends recently announced a divorce, and her first thought was, “well, at least you don’t have kids.” “i had to bite my tongue!” she says. “what is your role as a friend? is it to solve all someone’s problems, or make them feel cared for? not all people are ready to take on a more positive perspective.”
译文：
鼓励只会让他们更加压抑
滑铁卢大学的社会心理学家denise 很清楚要让有些人开心起来有多难。她带领朋友们走出阴影的惯常策略是微笑鼓励——杯子里有一半是满的，情况有可能会更糟等等。在那些愿意分享她的开朗性格的人身上，这些方法很管用。但是对于她的eeyore们——那些将所有的不幸都看做是自身缺陷的反射的朋友而言，增强他们的信心太艰难。（一词指的是永远预期最糟的事情发生的悲观主义者，源自于经典卡通小熊维尼其中的愁眉苦脸的驴子eeyore 这一角色。译者注）
“过去对于那些低自尊体系的朋友，我经常以为最好的处理方法是鼓励他们，告诉他们很快情况就会好转”，她说，“当他们不理我的时候，我特别担心，觉得自己没有做好，而且会因为我帮不了他们而沮丧。”
有研究指出一切往积极方向思考的人生活更幸福，所以可以理解，当面对别人的沮丧失望时，我们的本能是告诉他别灰心。但是由marigold及其他几位心理学家开展的一项新的研究表明，这个本能是错误的。研究人员发现，当乐观主义者鼓励那些悲观倾向的人时，那些忧郁的人其实根本不需要鼓励。他们就只是想要被理解。
超过6项实验研究用来检测“积极重塑”和“消极肯定”对于高自尊体系和低自尊体系的年轻人的效果分别如何。研究解释，积极重塑包含“安慰说负面事件最终对于接受者的成长是有利的，接受者是很有可能取得进步的，以及问题其实很小或者根本微不足道。”另一方面，消极肯定是“表示接受者的情感、表现和反应在当下是正常且合理的”以及“表示对于接受者所处的困境的理解。”实验研究在不同情况下接受者对于两种方法的反应。在一个实验中，被试者假设在一次假想的分手或考试糟糕后和朋友聊天以及回答相关问题。另一个实验中，他们真的和现实中的朋友分享自己的感受。
低自尊体系的人觉得振奋人心的鼓励远远没有只是简单肯定他们的情感有用。他们也在调查中指出普遍较少得到朋友的情感支持，数据资料也证明了该论述的正确性。尽管处于支持者角色的参与者声称明白悲观主义者不会很好地回应积极的建议，但是他们还是会用鼓励的方法去应对悲观主义者。在一个实验中，支持者甚至对高自尊体系的人表示了同情。
“人们在应对负面情绪时会感到不舒服，所以我们会认为最好所有人都积极地思考，而且我们会试图让他们那样思考。” marigold说。
举个例子，她的一个朋友最近宣布离婚了。她的第一反应是，“那么，至少你们没有孩子。”“但是我必须忍住不开口”，她说，“什么是朋友？是来帮助解决问题的，还是让他们知道还会有人关心他们？并不是所有人都准备好更加积极地看待问题的。”